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Clarkson on: battle of the sexes

Oh, yes, he went there...

Jeremy Clarkson quotes: Women and the battle of the sexes

WHILE Jeremy Clarkson is pretty even-handed when it comes to discussing gender, his legendary motormouth has landed in him hot water with women on a number of occasions. Here’s a selection of some of Clarkson’s more provocative quotes.

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“Everyone can navigate by instinct, and if you can’t there’s something wrong with you and you should be in prison. The only people who can’t navigate instinctively are women and anyone trying to find Malpensa airport in Milan.”


On Rebecca Lush, the environmental protester who threw a pie in Clarkson’s face after he received an honourary doctorate from Oxford Brookes in 2005: “Millions of people enjoy Top Gear and they are more important than some bird with a pre-menstrual problem.”


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“I think you should only use a telephone if you are on a moor, it’s the middle of the night and you are surrounded by wolves. The notion that it can be used ‘for a chat’ is as ridiculous as the notion that cuddling is in some way rewarding.”


“You can design a film for women. It’ll have Hugh Grant in it.”


“The XC60 I drove… [has] a system that alerts a driver if they stray out of their lane on a motorway. Citroën, which pioneered this idea, warns the driver by vibrating the seats, but Volvo has obviously realised that women may deliberately drive on the hard shoulder to create this effect, and alerts you with an irritating bong.”`


“Women want a crybaby in the house in the same way that men want their wives in a pair of Y-fronts.”


“The fact is that curves on a car never look as good as straight lines…We see the same thing with women. A fat girl’s curvy round face does not have the same appeal as the straight lines found on Keira Knightley or Kristin Scott Thomas.”


On the Mercedes-Benz CLK Black: “The seats are so hip-hugging that I am unable to offer lifts to fat girls. To make matters worse, I am also unable to explain why. “Because your arse is too big to fit in the seat” tends to make women cry.”


“Shopping is for women… I realise, of course, some men like to waste their free time mooching about in town, having their hair cut and buying silly clothes. These people are called footballers, or restaurant critics. They have scrotums but they are not men, really.”


“No woman I’ve ever met thinks her breasts are plenty big enough.”


On an RAF training test: “Apparently, only about half of those who take this multitasking test emerge with a pass. Doctors call these people ‘women’.”


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